We got so high we made milksteak
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
