Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
