Someone shit on the floor
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
