its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
