I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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