i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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