I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
