god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
