I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
