hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
