I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
