i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
