she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
