the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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