Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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