The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
