How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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