Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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