I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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