My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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