i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
is this the sara with the beer cane?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
