we have officially lost it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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