I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
