I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
