The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
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somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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