i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
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It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
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A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS