Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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