His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.