Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
