I just made out with a guy for $7.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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