First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
