Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
