They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
