the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
not ubering you a puppy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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