His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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