i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
