At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
