So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
