I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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