I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
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i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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