finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
