My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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