im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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