Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
