just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
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You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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