I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
