Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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