the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize