Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
