you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
