just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
