my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
