i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
