I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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