FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I forget how to act sober
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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