It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
