now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
