I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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