when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
