dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
